Practice: Re-write another author.



So, from what I can tell By the Light of the Moon by Dean Koontz (Author), is a decent story. But I'm having a heck of a time getting past the first 10 pages. He is confusing. I like some of the phrasing he uses to paint a picture of the idea, but he uses too much. So much, in fact, that the idea he's trying to paint may be lost.

I'm pretty sure he's trying to say it was a heck of a hot day here, but this is what he says:

"The expired day lay buried in the earth, in the asphalt. Unseen but felt, its ghost haunted the Arizona night: a hot spirit rising lazily from every inch of ground that Dylan crossed."

I'm like... what? I suppose it would be fine if these phrases were scattered about, amidst more plain writing. Instead, it feels as though this complicated word choice is in every paragraph.

So I am left to ask myself, how would I write that, but still use his idea?

"The expired day lay buried in the asphalt, the hot Arizona spirit rising to haunt Dylan as he crossed."
Something like that, I think. Don't use ten words, when five would do. Maybe it's just a style difference. Different styles for different readers.

Darrell

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My name is Darrell G. Wolfe (DG Wolfe if you're reading my fiction). I am a wealth of random information and I make complicated things simple. When people around me don't know the answer to some off-the-wall question, they often say: "Ask Darrell, he'll know!"

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